The Gift of Not Knowing

Bat n' Rouge Portland
Photo credit: Marty Davis

Matthew 28:20b "[Jesus said,] 'And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.'"

As many of you saw in my previous blog post, I shared that I identify as transgender, as more male than female, and that I go by either Laura or Leo.  I am so incredibly grateful for the messages of support, love and encouragement I received.  Words cannot fully express how much this has meant to me. Thank you.

Life is an interesting journey, and we never really have a full picture of where we should go or the decisions we should make. We do our best to hear wisdom in our own hearts and the words of our friends, to listen for the voice of God. But sometimes life is just a muddle. Maybe we don't know who we are or what to do with our lives. Maybe we feel lost.

I am in the middle of a journey of discovering who I am and how I can live most fully and true to myself. But I don't have all the answers. I don't know if I prefer to be called "Laura" or "Leo" - I like them both.  I don't know yet if I will do more than cut my hair and wear men's clothes. But that's ok. I don't have to know right now. It can be stressful to be in an in-between place, but I'm working on resting in ambiguity, on letting answers unfold in their own time. I don't want to rush, and I don't want to drag my feet. Surprisingly, I'm feeling pretty peaceful (most of the time) about this place of unknowing.

Life is not about knowing all the answers, or about finding out the end of the movie before it begins. I want to view life as an adventure! Thankfully this is not something we have to do alone. Many of you have expressed your willingness to come along on this adventure with me, even when it is mysterious or scary, and I do not take that for granted. I hope I am willing to go beside you in your adventure too.

And because this is a devotional blog at heart, I want to add that God is also always with us in this. No matter how dark or confusing life may seem, you are never alone. Sometimes that's hard to remember - I had it tattooed on my arm so I wouldn't forget. I am working on being ok with not knowing how things will turn out; I am working on trusting that God is always with me on this journey, no matter what.

God of mystery, Sometimes we just want life to be simple, but this world is so complex! Give us strength and courage when we are in stressful or in-between places, or when we are just plain frustrated by not knowing what to do next. Remind us that we are never alone, and give us the motivation and passion to be there for others. Thanks for being with us always. Amen.

PS - Speaking of life as an adventure, I added links to a few more of the YouTube videos by Andrew Shayde of the adventures of our friends.

Goodbye 2012

Matthew 28:5: "But the angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid; I know that you are looking for Jesus who was crucified."

How often I am stuck on the bad news of the past instead of seeing the good news of the present!  Grief, regret, loss... these can interfere with my ability to celebrate the moment and be grateful for the blessings in my life.  Do you have that happen to you?

At one point, in the middle of my faith crisis, when I was dropping out of seminary and facing a bad bout of depression, I felt like everything I had held onto was slipping through my hands, leaving them empty. This made me want to clutch more tightly to dreams that had faded. That was a normal grief response, but it made it harder to see the good things that I did have in life.  Life is so much better  now, and I have done a lot of healing.  But sometimes, I still look around and see what I don't have, rather than how full and wonderful my life is.  I see the crucifixion and the grave instead of the empty tomb and Easter resurrection.

So.... as I say goodbye to 2012...

I say goodbye to holding on to that which I do not have.  This way my hands will be open to receive life as it comes.

I say goodbye to jealousy and resentment when friends have what I long for.  This way my heart is free and light.

I say goodbye to regret for my life not turning out as I once thought it would. This way I can rejoice in the awesomeness that life has brought me on my non-traditional, vagabond, adventuring journey.

Dear friends - thank you all for your friendship and love. You are freaking fantastic.  Here's to a 2013 where we can live boldly and love fully!

Gracious God, it is sometimes hard to let go of dreams of things that we thought we should have.  Help us to open our hands to receive the abundant blessings in our life that we may not see are already there. Thanks! and Amen.