An Odd Duck

AIDS Walk Portland 2013

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

This week has been another of those hermit times for me. Questioning my gender identity is not easy. It is not always fun to be outside the norm, to be different than people's expectations and hopes for you. It still stings a little when I remember being called an "odd duck" some years ago. Sometimes, especially when I have more questions than answers, I prefer to stay home and spend time thinking and resting, and retreating into TV cop shows and action movies. My therapist gives me explicit permission for these breaks, and they are both needed and helpful.

In my hermit times, I mostly hang out in my bedroom, which is a comfy oasis. I switched bedrooms a week ago when two of my best friends moved in with me, and my new room now faces east. Today, I awoke to sun streaming into my bedroom. The coming rains in Portland make sunshine precious, and it felt like a gift to wake up to the light this morning.

The sunshine reminded me of a song I love, from the Holden Evening Prayer by Marty Haugen.  In the procession, there is a line about Jesus that says "Let your light scatter the darkness, and shine within your people here."

I do believe that the light of love, the light of God, can scatter the darkness in our hearts and in the world. When I remember this, I feel braver about heading out into the world as my own unique, non-conforming self. I look to the light and to God to give me courage and strength so I can go out there and be an advocate and an activist. I want to be the one dressed up in a lion costume holding up signs at AIDS Walk (as pictured above), and not the one hiding in my room.

Even though sometimes I need a hermit break, I am very grateful for the love and support I have in my friends, in my church, and in my facebook community. I do not take this for granted. For many people, coming out or living authentically results in being disowned, kicked out, beaten up... The world is a pretty amazing place, but it is also a place of violence, hatred, negativity, poverty, and destruction.

If you are living in a dark spot, may sunshine and love find their way into your life.  If you are living in the light, may you find a way to share that with others.  Let's spread love and strength and courage today.  Let's shine with love, hospitality, and acceptance so that everyone can live with confidence and joy.

God of light - you are my rock and my salvation. Give me the strength to be the odd duck you created me to be. Help me to share the light of love with others. Be with all who suffer in mind, body, or spirit, and remind them that they are not alone. Thanks, and Amen.

The Gift of Not Knowing

Bat n' Rouge Portland
Photo credit: Marty Davis

Matthew 28:20b "[Jesus said,] 'And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.'"

As many of you saw in my previous blog post, I shared that I identify as transgender, as more male than female, and that I go by either Laura or Leo.  I am so incredibly grateful for the messages of support, love and encouragement I received.  Words cannot fully express how much this has meant to me. Thank you.

Life is an interesting journey, and we never really have a full picture of where we should go or the decisions we should make. We do our best to hear wisdom in our own hearts and the words of our friends, to listen for the voice of God. But sometimes life is just a muddle. Maybe we don't know who we are or what to do with our lives. Maybe we feel lost.

I am in the middle of a journey of discovering who I am and how I can live most fully and true to myself. But I don't have all the answers. I don't know if I prefer to be called "Laura" or "Leo" - I like them both.  I don't know yet if I will do more than cut my hair and wear men's clothes. But that's ok. I don't have to know right now. It can be stressful to be in an in-between place, but I'm working on resting in ambiguity, on letting answers unfold in their own time. I don't want to rush, and I don't want to drag my feet. Surprisingly, I'm feeling pretty peaceful (most of the time) about this place of unknowing.

Life is not about knowing all the answers, or about finding out the end of the movie before it begins. I want to view life as an adventure! Thankfully this is not something we have to do alone. Many of you have expressed your willingness to come along on this adventure with me, even when it is mysterious or scary, and I do not take that for granted. I hope I am willing to go beside you in your adventure too.

And because this is a devotional blog at heart, I want to add that God is also always with us in this. No matter how dark or confusing life may seem, you are never alone. Sometimes that's hard to remember - I had it tattooed on my arm so I wouldn't forget. I am working on being ok with not knowing how things will turn out; I am working on trusting that God is always with me on this journey, no matter what.

God of mystery, Sometimes we just want life to be simple, but this world is so complex! Give us strength and courage when we are in stressful or in-between places, or when we are just plain frustrated by not knowing what to do next. Remind us that we are never alone, and give us the motivation and passion to be there for others. Thanks for being with us always. Amen.

PS - Speaking of life as an adventure, I added links to a few more of the YouTube videos by Andrew Shayde of the adventures of our friends.

Finding Leo

Killer croquet. Photo by Andrew Shayde

Romans 8:38-39: “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”

I have only posted a few times on this blog since the end of March and there is a very particular reason for this. I felt that I could not write publicly about what was really on my mind.

At the end of March, I had the startling, frightening, and liberating realization that I just might be transgender.  That was the beginning of a journey of questioning that has brought me to this place now – where I want to share more publicly about who I am.

I now identify as transgender: more male than female, one of the guys, in my men’s clothes and men’s haircut. Over the years, there were several clues I gave myself before my moment of realization, even the title of this blog.

Please feel free to ask me any question that you like. I can’t speak for the whole transgender community, just as I can’t speak for all Lutherans or all Oregonians. I’m on a journey where I am still figuring out who I am, so there is a lot I am learning too. But I don’t want to do so in private any more.

You can call me either Laura or Leo, the name I picked for myself.  I like both and am fine with either male or female pronouns (he/him or she/her). At this point, I appreciate the fluidity of having either option, so you don’t have to apologize if you say Laura or her, and you don't need to feel compelled to use Leo.

I am still attracted to men.  Gender identity and sexual orientation are different, so I can have a gender identity of male and still be attracted to men.  Here is an FAQ on transgender: http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/transgender-faq

Here are a few of the reasons that I want to come out publicly as transgender:

1)      I want to be seen as who I am and feel that I can be authentic. I want to be myself in public as well as with my closest friends. I just want to be me.

2)      I am grateful for the LGBT people who are out and role models for the rest of us, giving us hope, and I want to be the same.

3)      I want to be able to blog and post more freely, without worrying that I will out myself.

I don’t know why I am transgender or why I didn't realize this sooner.  I know some people know from a young age, but that is not my story.  But I do believe that God is with me in this process and that nothing can separate us from the love of God, as I have tattooed on my arm.

I am so grateful for the words of support and encouragement I received from those I have already shared this with.  I am especially grateful for my friends whose love and humor ground me in this tumultuous and exciting journey.

It may be foolish to come out publicly right now, but I choose strength and bravery over being timid.  I am who I am – a child of God, a friend, an activist, an advocate, a goofball, and me – still me.

Thank you for listening.  Many blessings to you and yours.

Where Jesus Is

Defeat of DOMA Rally
Photo credit: PQ Monthly

Amos 5:24 "But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.."

Today we celebrated the end of the Defense of Marriage Act and the return of marriage equality to California. Woohoo!

It is awesome news, though there is still much to be done. Here in Oregon, we are gearing up for the ballot initiative to bring the freedom to marry to all Oregonians in November; 2014. For my part, I will be volunteering with faith communities to discuss why this is important.

Why does the freedom to marry matter to me?

It may go without saying that I am committed to work for the freedom to marry for all because it impacts my friends in very real way. My friends mean the world to me and I will advocate for them and not back down. But I also put energy, money, time into this effort because this is where Jesus is.

Let me explain where I'm coming from...

My graduate thesis in theology looked at Jesus in the gospel of Luke to try to understand who God is. At the time, in 2009, I was dealing with grief from a variety of losses, including the death of my niece, as well as a crisis of faith. I phrased the question as "Is God trustworthy?" and after research and contemplation (and time), my answer was "Yes."

My conclusion? God is wildly in love with humanity. God is always reaching out and drawing us into relationship with God and with one another. The bible is full of stories of love, hospitality, healing, and the restoration of community. This is how I want to live my life as well.

My understanding of who God is grounds my belief that the work for marriage equality is biblical work. It is a faithful response to God's love and grace. The freedom to marry is about healing and community. It supports love, commitment, family, and fairness. (I'm sure I'll be saying more about this as we get closer to November, 2014.)

With the prophet Amos, I long for an end to inequity and injustice. I join this prayer, and the prayers of many who yearn for marriage equality: "But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream."

Will you join me in this work?

God of love, thank you for the actions by the Supreme Court today. Give strength to those who deal with bullying, exclusion, harassment, violence, and discrimination  Bring reconciliation to those who have been torn apart by differences of opinion. Bring restoration to families who have suffered due to unjust laws. Bring justice and peace to all the world, so that all of us may live as equals.  Thanks, and amen.

I Need to Remember

Nothing can separate us

Romans 8:38-9: "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

First off, I realize that I haven't blogged since March 29th.  These last two months I feel like I've lost my blogger voice.  I'm not sure I have quite regained it, but hang in there... I'll be back.

But tonight I do want to share my new tattoo fresh from this morning.  It reads, "Nothing can separate us," a reference to Romans 8:38-9 (above).  I needed this written on me so that I would remember:

No matter what the world says...
No matter what anxiety or insecurity say...
No matter the lies that depression tells us....

Nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Nothing.

I like the use of the word "us".  When I look at this on my arm, I can imagine it is a reminder written to me from God, and that us means "me and God".  God wrote me a nice love note on my arm: "Don't forget, nothing will make me stop loving you."

But it also means "us" - as in you and me. Us.  

We are in this together, even though there is plenty that will try to rip apart any community: pride, jealousy, insecurity, trust issues, power issues, fear, etc...and we should do our best to try to build each other up, and not tear each other down.

Because nothing can separate us from the love of God. Not just me.  Not just you. And really, not even just us, but all.  Because there is no "them" in the family of God. There are no insiders and outsiders. That is good news for us, because it means we are not outsiders. It is good news for all of us, because we all belong.

God wrote us a love note:  "Don't forget, nothing will make me stop loving y'all."  (I'm sure sometimes God says "y'all.")

We don't have to be:
cool enough...
smart enough...
rich enough....
beautiful or handsome enough...
thin enough...
__________ enough....

We don't have to meet cultural expectations of how we should look, act or think.

We don't have to be perfect.

We don't have to have our !#% together.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Nothing.

Thank God!

and thanks, God.

A Promise of Paradise - My Good Friday Meditation

Lincoln City 2013

Luke 23:39-43: "One of the criminals who were hanged there kept deriding him and saying, ‘Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us!’ But the other rebuked him, saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed have been condemned justly, for we are getting what we deserve for our deeds, but this man has done nothing wrong.’ Then he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ He replied, ‘Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise.’"

Two condemned criminals are dying alongside Jesus. Sometimes, in our own suffering, we are like the cruel criminal, mocking others, striking out in our pain. Sometimes we are the one who yearns for God, praying for a way out of our darkness.

In the midst of their punishment, one of them recognizes Jesus. “Jesus,” he says. He speaks his name with familiarity, with intimacy. Not “teacher”, or “Rabbi” or “my Lord”, but “Jesus.”

And he makes a request. He takes a chance. “Remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

The criminal knows he is not perfect, far from it.  He believes he deserves crucifixion. But he is bold and asks for a place in the kingdom.

What does he imagine that Jesus can do? This criminal had great hope. Jesus on the cross does not look like the triumphant leader expected in the Palm Sunday procession. The people mocked Jesus as the Messiah, but the criminal believed.

In the midst of his agony, this wrongdoer speaks to Jesus with boldness, with faith, and with hope.

And Jesus responds the promise of paradise: a promise of redemption, forgiveness, restoration, relationship with God.

We carry our own burdens of suffering and guilt. We long for connection, reassurance, and release. We may hurt others in our own turmoil. But we may dare to believe God offers us a new beginning, even in our pain and loss; that God is with us in our suffering.

May we be bold in our hope, take a chance on God, and ask Jesus to remember us. God says yes. The criminal called Jesus by name, and God calls us by name with compassion and mercy.

God says yes and pulls us into a closer relationship, a loving connection from which nothing can separate us, not even death. This is the promise to the criminal on the cross, and the promise to us today.

Rally in Red

Rally for Marriage Equality, Portland, 3/27/2013

1 John 4:7-8  "Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love."

I thank God regularly for June 10, 2012. On that day, I went to a barbecue in Portland. I didn't know anyone there when I walked in the door... but I was met with hospitality and humor... I gained friendships that will last forever... I was embraced with love.

Before that fateful barbecue, I definitely believed in marriage equality and justice for the LGBT community. But since that day, I have been so incredibly blessed by new friends and connections in the Portland gay community. You are my family. You have laughed and danced with me. You love and support me, even in my depression and anxiety. You show me beauty, faith and compassion. My life is so rich and full of joy for knowing you. I thank God for you (often!).

I went to the courthouse today in Portland with a sign that said "Another Christian for Marriage Equality."  I rallied with friends and strangers. I held up my sign and yelled "woohoo!" as cars drove by honking and waving in support. (I thought I was going to lose my voice!)

I stood up today because there are over 1000 federal rights that my friends have been denied because they love someone of the same gender. The same people who have shown me so much friendship, and in whose relationships I see such deep caring and love, are being denied basic rights that many of us take for granted.

I identified myself as a Christian on my sign because my religion has been used as an excuse to deny these rights, and I want to scream "No more!"  As I also mention in my Open Letter Regarding the Traditional Prom, I do not believe the bible justifies making lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people into second-class citizens or calling them sinners.

In the bible verse above, we are admonished to love one another, and reminded that God is love. When I look at my friends, I see love. I see love for their partners, love for their family and friends, love for this community of Portland. To deny the validity of this love is short-sighted and cruel. To stand up for marriage equality is the Christian thing to do. Jesus would have joined us in front of the courthouse. God calls our LGBT sisters and brothers beloved.

I rallied in red today because my heart and my life have been deeply touched and I cannot stand by and be silent any more. 

Will you join me?

God of love, thank you for the love that is abundant in our friendships and relationships. Guide us with wisdom and grace as we work for justice. Keep us mindful that your love extends to all, even those who don't agree with us.  Hold us all in your caring embrace. Thanks. and Amen.